The Shape of the News

Un-named experts: "The nation is in awful shape, it's vaguely rhomboidal with several disturbing protrusions, a big glop to the north west and some splatter in the west near the equator."

When pressed for details the expert would only say, "You end up with shapes like this when you a secret society like the masons is involved with laying your foundations. I'm sorry, that's all I can say."

Doctors are calling for an immediate investigation into the protrusions on the east coast, "Shapes like that are often signs of a cancer, it might be best to have a statectomy and avoid some real problems down the road." ‎(the road being I-95.)

Former President Bill Clinton denies any involvement with the phallic shapes of the florida and massachusetts protrusions, "I want to be very clear, I did not approve the shape of any states. And technically Massachusetts is not a state, it's a commonwealth - Like Kentucky, Virginia and Pennsylvania."