Versed, Re-versed & Unversed « Pimpin' your Poems «
Vee-ku
OK, I'm pimping this one.... Your thoughts? In my effort to use alliteration, did I obscure the subject of this haiku?
Vast ominous white
Black vee’s spiral a vortex
Swoop down voracious
Black vee’s spiral a vortex
Swoop down voracious
Anstey from Lowell, MA Associate, 5567 posts |
Yeah, I think this is too obscure for a haiku of any sort. Haiku need to be very present with a clear moment of revelation and a seasonal/nature theme. I'm missing that quite a bit. Still, I admire the attempt! Keep going!
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| Rhiannon Jones 88 posts |
Anstey: Thanks, Stephan. I thought that the "swoop" would be the moment of revelation....it was supposed to be about vultures! I'll keep tryin'..... 
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| Anstey from Lowell, MA Associate, 5567 posts |
Rhiannon Jones: I think the lack of impact onthe swoop is directly from the lack of clarity in the previous two lines. At least, that's what I think.
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| Rhiannon Jones 88 posts |
Anstey: Okey Dokey. Here was the original version, before I got all crazy with the letter V. Does this work any better? Sky ominous white Black v-wings spiralling down Vultures swoop earthward |
| Anstey from Lowell, MA Associate, 5567 posts |
" Anstey: Okey Dokey. Here was the original version, before I got all crazy with the letter V. Does this work any better? Sky ominous white Actually, yes. I like this much more. I think the clarity helps a lot. I'm still not sold on the moment of revelation, however, it's there -- even if i think it could be stronger. All in all, a much more worthy effort, I think.
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Kath from after the dance 281 posts |
I think that even if there were a lot of vultures, the moment of revelation needs only one. If the last line were changed to "a vulture..." it would be more ominous and effective. I do think the original had a swoop of revelation too... |
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