Hearts Like Unopened Boxes

the guile on your breath has faded
like dying orchids in autumn.
already i can't meet your eyes;
guilt has overshadowed my tongue.

i can never bring myself to say
what it is i mean to say.

you and i and our bitter end
lie in this conversation,
in every conversation,
but i swallow my pride
and my voice remains stoic
and we talk with disinterest.

our hearts like unopened boxes.

Laurie on Apr. 26 2007 edit · delete
I just love the line: "guilt has overshadowed my tongue" that is so powerful and I immediately recognized the feeling.

Alcuin of York on Apr. 26 2007 edit · delete
L4 bothers me a bit, specifically, the "when". The sentence contains double adverbs - "already" and "when". I'm not sure why either adverb is necessary, but definitely not both.
The theme is powerful and evokes a lot of recognition because it's common - an experience so many of us have had.
As a personal preference, I like to see a bit of punctuation in a poem. The lack of it is no flaw (its the style of our age), and does give us something to ponder. However, the theme here is already sufficiently profound to evoke lots of thinking.
BTW, what does "DMV" stand for?
Alcuin

Anstey on Apr. 30 2007 edit · delete
Dept. of Modern Verse. (old website i was co-owner of, but had to shut down)
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stephan

Jasmine Mann on May 3 2007 edit · delete

I have a bit of a problem with grammar. I'm a bit rusty (could you tell?), but i'm working on an edit as fast as i can. That is...when my 6 month old isn't banging on the keyboard.

Thanks for the input!

update: grammar is hopefully better? punctuation added. I think this poem has been olished. Any other critiques PLEASE feel free to point out.

Well, poop.

4 comments