Penthouse Suite

Coy exhibitionist

And I, the voyeur

Seeing you, seeing me

want more.

Longing

to move closer in

Lightly brush my lips upon your thoughts

And Oh!

Feel your tongue caress carefully chosen words

on the curves of my ear

Touch your vulnerability

Quake to know and be known

And disintegrate . . . for just a little while.

In this room of windows we are

both so very naked.

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Kath from after the dance 283 posts	Edit · Delete on May 22 2007 a lot of excitement here, and if I could...I would take out line # two... just skip it, and leave that to the imagination. I'd skip right to .."And I,..."~~it feels stronger and more mysterious.~~ I would take out the capital letters...as in "Disintegrate"I would neat the end... and lastly take out the two lines that begin "Unspeakable...to truth" and just use those potent last two lines. That way it is more evocative, I think. This is a very enticing piece, and inviting-- and I think you have even more than you need... these are personal preferences...but for me it makes your work even more inviting when you pare it down a little and one feels even more as if one is peeking into this situation...or finding oneself in it! It's excellent.
White_Feather from Here and There 302 posts	Edit · Delete on May 23 2007 Thanks so much for your critique, Kath. This is a really different style for me, so I really appreciate the feedback. I'm always cutting words . . . how I do love them (too much)!
White_Feather from Here and There 302 posts	Edit · Delete on June 2 2007 Quite shamelessly bumping this up. I've reworked a bit, and am afraid that with all the words I've cut out (both before publishing it, and following suggestions) that the meaning is lost. But I sometimes have trouble seeing around my own work. Does this look like anything more than a poem about sex?
Tracey from Spanktown Associate, 1891 posts	Edit · Delete on June 3 2007 I'm pretty tired, so right now I'm seeing a lovely fantasy and/or sensual prelude to some possible sex. Knowing you, I'm sure there is at least one whole other dimension here, if not four. I'll revisit this; I like it a lot.
Leanne from Just west of the lounge room Associate, 3019 posts	Edit · Delete on June 3 2007 This might be just me, but apart from the obvious allusions I don't get sex out of this at all. It sounds to me about reading either a book/poem or a letter. The last lines seem to be saying "you've laid yourself bare by writing and I'm completely open while I'm reading". I like the sounds you've employed in the first few lines, particularly the near-rhyme of voyeur/more. To take full advantage of the continuation of sound, you might like to rearrange L5 to "to move in closer". "Lightly brush my lips" is ever-so-close to cliche. It is almost saved by "upon your thoughts" but I would suggest rethinking it anyway. Similarly, "for just a little while" -- there are more interesting ways to say this. All things considered, though, it's well on its way to a very fine poem. (And if I've got your metaphor wrong, don't worry, I just like books...)
Tracey from Spanktown Associate, 1891 posts	Edit · Delete on June 3 2007 This also comes across as the poetry of the mystics, the sensuality & inebriation at the spiritual tavern. And yes, I can see how this could be taken just as Leanne has understood it, and I quite like that.
White_Feather from Here and There 302 posts	Edit · Delete on June 3 2007 Yes! I'm so glad it wasn't lost. I could kiss you both! Leanne, thanks so much for the helpful comments. Will do some more work on this.
Shannon McEwen from Canada 401 posts	Edit · Delete on June 4 2007 It's very sensual, spiritual almost. I think you demonstrate well how I feel sometimes when I'm writing. ----- Life is what happens while you wait for great things.
White_Feather from Here and There 302 posts	Edit · Delete on June 4 2007 Actually, one angle that I think might have been lost was the comparison between the willing vulnerability of the 'exhibitionist' and something of a playboy (penthouse) photo shoot. There may be too much trying to happen in this poem.
Leanne from Just west of the lounge room Associate, 3019 posts	Edit · Delete on June 4 2007 I don't think there's too much going on, really -- your metaphors aren't particularly tangled. There are quite a few layers to this though and it's not always simple to get every aspect of a poem on first reading. In fact, part of my own personal requirement for excellent poetry is that there's more waiting for me when I come back to it.