Aztec Chocolate
Aztec Chocolate
tip the tongue
immerse chili powder
inject god
feel the flames
mark the age
ages of summer
spent weeping
words are dull
scythes weigh on wheat
a tear
rips apart your white t-shirt
expose your heart
to the wind
to me
the final embers
stain my eyes
rain the sky down
the jungle drops to its knees
for you
a taste
saliva bronze lipstick across a cheek
bring forward the spice
for the sun
for me
for your life
feeds my pain
you are more than body
you are gold
never to be found
tip the tongue
immerse chili powder
inject god
feel the flames
mark the age
ages of summer
spent weeping
words are dull
scythes weigh on wheat
a tear
rips apart your white t-shirt
expose your heart
to the wind
to me
the final embers
stain my eyes
rain the sky down
the jungle drops to its knees
for you
a taste
saliva bronze lipstick across a cheek
bring forward the spice
for the sun
for me
for your life
feeds my pain
you are more than body
you are gold
never to be found
Anstey on May 26 2007 edit · delete I will have to go back and read this. I like the general progression of idea, the constant tie to chocolate, without being explicit, and the word choice. I do have some questions on line breaks and also, specifically the choice of the word "bore"... but I do like what your'e doing here.
I've missed you Lori! It's go great you're back!
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- stephan
Shannon McEwen on May 26 2007 edit · delete I like this very much. The only thing I tumbled on was the double use of a couple of the words.
I especially love the last two stanzas
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Life is what happens while you wait for great things.
Alcuin of York on May 27 2007 edit · delete Nit alert: “Chili”.
L1 has a nice tripping sound, but its wordiness bothers me. The harsh succinctness of the rest of the poem is not announced here, whereas I think “tongue tip” would retain the same voicing to be found in most of the rest of the poem. It’s not that this is a bad line – it’s similar to many I write – but I think it doesn’t fit this particular piece.
“Scythes bore on wheat”? I think you mean “bore” in the sense of ‘bore down on’ or ‘bore upon’. ‘Bore’ and ‘bear’ have so many different meanings and senses that abbreviating their expression creates confusion. Perhaps something like ‘laid’ or even better, ‘weighed on wheat’ would work better.
Overall, I like the intensity of the language. It expresses the theme very well. Although I disagree with some of the details of the wording, I admire the obvious attention you’ve devoted to their selection.
Alcuin
