The Silver Apples of the Moon

If you haven't already.... READ YEATS

How many stems twisted
To determine the letter
Of my (Ouija/Tarot) fate?

Hours hurried by By
(bye-bye)
Attention span authorities
Keeping time in order
Order in time

My shoulders tired from hunching
To make room for the waste of others

I
was
waste
wasted

Like a mountain climbing dolphin

A deluged butterfly

Or a Tyger Tyger burning bright
In the earth’s atmosphere
upon re-entry

my beauty

was
waste
wasted

Like a fossilized peacock

When they saw my bones,
would they know
how bright my feathers were?

I follow the glimmering girl
I pray she has not gone too far.

1- Alcuin of York on June 17 2007 - Edit · Delete

A few suggestions: S3: “My shoulders tired from hunching / making room for others’ waste”. I think it’s a bit cleaner. Also, in S11, I think “see / will” would work better than “saw / would”, unless the “when” were changed to “if”. In the last strophe, “hasn’t” sounds better to my ear.
I haven’t read Yeats, but I will. In any case, your poem should stand on its own as well, and overall I think it does so rather well. I like your assonances, and the style of their use, which I have also become attracted to in my own writing lately. I see a lot of other places where the lines could be tightened a bit here and there. I also like the way you placed, “Like a fossilized peacock” in it’s own strophe, serving to complete the thoughts of the ones before and after.
I think you’re developing an interesting approach, and I hope you keep perfecting it so we can enjoy more of these.
Alcuin

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