Versed, Re-versed & Unversed « Poetry Workshop «
The Narrator Observes his Reader
The Narrator Observes his Reader
Deadpoetsmilk 139 posts |
Actually what I was doing was carrying the stress over to the next line.
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Anstey from Lowell, MA Associate, 5571 posts |
I'll try to look at it closely in a few minutes. fondly, stephan -----
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Shan from Canada 401 posts |
I'm not an expert by any means, hell I'm not even an amateur (I'm below that:P) but I can say I do really like the style of this, and I think it works well. ----- Life is what happens while you wait for great things. |
| Anstey from Lowell, MA Associate, 5571 posts |
I do like the poem, but i'm not quite sure i see what you're doing with the stresses. I notice times when you try to start on a stress and others where you end a line on a stress. What's the pattern you're looking aiming for? I think this does work, for the record. specifically the breaking with the '-ment' which has the double entendre and works well in both ways in that spot. -----
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| Deadpoetsmilk 139 posts |
I don't even know what I'm saying...damn... Okay let's see if this makes sense? Because I'm not very good at vocalizing...but here's a try: L1 Iambic pentamter L2 is still iambic but the ictus is carried over to the next line L3 Which I guess becomes trochaic, but this is where the problem comes in, because in the last line I left the unstressed foot there and carried the stress over L4 ect...does the same thing but inverted and returns to iambic?, but basically through the whole thing I'm subtracting a syllable but still keeping it accentual through each line...see this is the whole problem, I don't really know what I'm doing, all I know is that I think of the whole thing as iambic, but I don't know if some lines are trochaic or if they're iambic because of this form of modulation that I'm using....ie the carrying over of the stressed or unstressed foot to the next line?
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| Deadpoetsmilk 139 posts |
Also I'm wondering if anyone has seen such a form as this? Or heard of one...
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Leanne from Just west of the lounge room Associate, 3019 posts |
Yes, it works, and yes, every second line (after the first two) becomes trochaic technically even though the whole thing reads as iambic -- and it is consistent, as far as I can tell, until the last line where, if stressed naturally, you've actually thrown in a spondee at the start. |
Derma Kaput from Possum Grape, Arkansas Associate, 1497 posts |
technically, I love what you're attempting here and aesthetically, I like the poem quite a bit. The fact that your metrical exercise is mostly inobtrusive to the way the poem reads is a big plus - it has a very natural cadence. the only place where it falls down for me is when you split "alluring" between the two lines. but overall? nice job. The title (and how the poem plays it out) is wonderful. |
| Deadpoetsmilk 139 posts |
Thank you Derma. I thought the caring over of lluring to the next line was awkward as well, and thanks to Leanne's keen sense of meter I have to correct a spondee as well... Ryan. |
| Anstey from Lowell, MA Associate, 5571 posts |
If Leanne were a Superhero -- I think she'd wear a big blue cape and be called, "Meter Maid!" -----
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| Deadpoetsmilk 139 posts |
Yes a cape and an insigna of the American flag...I mean Australian flag.
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| Derma Kaput from Possum Grape, Arkansas Associate, 1497 posts |
yes, but then we have to start calling her lovely rita... |
| XFATHOMx from Awesometown, CA 1 post |
i remember you... good to see your words again. however, your entire visual effect is ruined by the fact that the "a-" line is shorter than the "-lluring" line in the first stanza. |
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