The personal space of Laurie « Poetry space of Laurie « Old Poetry «
Aphrodite Awaits
Incomparable loveliness draws the eye
She moves with quiet grace,
True kindness speaks silently
A solitary goddess lonely in her vision
Her serene countenance enthralls
An affectionate touch upon the brow
A blessing
The pureness of her motives,
Generosity, empathy
The intensity of her gentleness
Contrasting with strength of purpose,
The strong beacon of her love
She is constant yet subdued
Entrusted to your care
Embrace her element
Love the inner beauty no one sees
Alcuin of York on June 25 2007 edit · delete Bleh!
I don’t dislike romantic themes, but this is not sensual or romantic, nor does it convey insights about romance. Yes, yes – she’s lovely, graceful, kind, serene, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc. After a few lines, it resembles a long list of some nobleman’s titles.
Compare this to your “Drawing Forth My Thoughts On Art”. The first line there stops us, makes us think, and the last line is quite inventive. Some of the words there are unique and interesting: “contradicts...rumbles of need...disobediently...”. Here we have, “loveliness...grace...true kindness...blessing...” These are plain and uninteresting words, and “enthralls” is old-fashioned, though that doesn’t always render it useless. The ideas are also common. What are you telling us about Aphrodite (or Woman) that the reader is not likely to have heard before?
Finally, I think this is romantic in a sentimental – rather than a passionate – way. Looking at “Drawing Forth My Thoughts On Art”, I know you can do a lot better than this.
Alcuin
Laurie on June 25 2007 edit · delete This actually is a piece that I wrote about a year ago when I had first started writing poetry. You might notice that I had posted many pieces lately, I was trying to really organize my poetry here. Both old and newer poems. This was in the Category "old Poetry", but I do not know if that was noticed. Thank you for the comment though I hope I have improved a little over the last year.
