The personal space of Laurie « Poetry space of Laurie « Just a Little Naughty «
Inspired
In the mood...
Tumbling down upon me
Smoldering heat imprisoned
Your animal scent flares
I prowl up the bed sheets
Pulling strong against my chains
Ripping fire
I pounce upon you
Your cotton candy lips are mine.
Smoldering heat imprisoned
Your animal scent flares
I prowl up the bed sheets
Pulling strong against my chains
Ripping fire
I pounce upon you
Your cotton candy lips are mine.
Anstey on June 29 2007 edit · delete This is more of a thought than a comment on the poem as a whole. The last line is excellent -- it makes me think you might want to extend a metaphor towards it. Which is to say, as it stands that line isn't integral to the piece -- it is its own little thing. I'd love to see you extend a lustful lover as child-at-a-carnival metaphor ending with that line. As it stands, you have elements that could almost work at a carnival but not quite. Such as a lion, elephant or strong man with the chains and animal scents.
- stephan
