The Intricacy of Dehumanization
Every man-damned day, I wake to hear the voice
that tells me that my bones will never break
as though I have, within, another choice.
The sky is hostile, while our wars are moist
and saturated with the thirst we slake
and every day, I hear the dog-damned voice
that coils carefully about my throat
and traps in me my every odd mistake,
as though I have, within, another choice.
Illumined tendrils weave a frosted coat
to warm the humanless and seek to fake
the tone of yet another god-damned voice.
Uprooted clouds drift to the asymptote
between the worlds of love and seething hate
as though they have, within, another choice
but to assume their rightful place and float
among the lines of both the weak and great
forsaken days. They wake to damn the voice
as though they have, within, another choice.
at the risk of repeating myself, this villanelle is absolutely friggin brilliant poetry.....I wouldn't change one letter.....Kat
To be perfectly honest, this really doesn't do anything for me. The first line is not correct meter -- you can fix this by substituting each for every if you like. I really don't know why you've introduced a third rhyme in the third stanza -- I'm ok with playing with the rules of form but it would make much more sense if you'd introduced it in the first line of the second stanza. Just repeating the last few words of your first repeater is effective and takes a bit of the formal tone out of this, however I just find it stilted and really not saying much. Sorry.
well, I guess that's where the beauty of poetry really shows itself.....what really speaks to one person may bypass another.....I absolutely stand by what I said.....the words grab my heart and mind and drag me through an intensely raw rollercoaster ride......and the lyrical meter adds an haunting quality to the bloody words......this is friggin brilliant, and I wish I would have written it......I wish I could have written it.....Kat