Second Hand

I don't think this is done.

Her stomach isn't flat anymore,
and I don't like the way her breath smells
when she drinks

Every time I quit smoking
she says she's
proud
Within a week
I'm bumming
again
from friends
and strangers

Her friends say
I'm living proof
that you cannot kick
cigarettes

Anstey on May 2 2008 edit · delete

First crit: I don't like using your first line for the title. It's a nice first line and i think having it as the title diminished it a bit.

Second Crit: the line breaks don't do much for me. I think it'd read better without them. I tried reading it aloud with them to no avail.

Third crit: the tranistion between the last two stanzas doesn't work for me at all. I can't find the logical leap. Not that I believe you always have to have one, but the rest of the poem works in an orderly linear sort of way and then suddenly .. it doesn't. And I found that difficult to understand. I think if you can some how tie those two together, it'll feel much more complete.

Michael Mission Harris on May 5 2008 edit · delete

I HATE using first lines for titles, I just didn't have one for it yet, and I put a bunch of those poems up in the middle of a class. Don't worry, I'd never leave those like that.

yeah the last stanza, I don't like either. it either needs something between to tie it in or to be struck out.

I'll reconsider the breaks too.

Anstey on May 7 2008 edit · delete
It might nto be done but it's close. I love that title.

3 comments