Starla tastes of strawberries « new stuff «
Pieces
I eat cereal three times a day
Then stare at my stomach
With NutCrunch stuck between my teeth
Sit in the sun in my underpants
A beer warming between my knees
I watch my skin turn pink
Snow melting on the mountains
River roaring in my ears
I erase all my poetry
Before anyone else reads it
Because the words mean nothing
And because its all shit
I beg for someone who can hold my interest
Maybe someone who can teach me to juggle
Cartwheel
Play the Double Bass
Lose some weight
Pick up all the scraps of paper
Leaking biros
Pencils sharpened to useless nubs
Cornflakes
I could ask all day
Wait in the haze
But I could never afford a Double Bass
I do that erase thing too, attack of nerves
all I write is shite, it's more consistant that way.
the 4th stanza seems not in keeping with the rest of the poem, could be me, but I think it could stand without it.... or it could be a poem of its own (I do like the wording in it).
btw all my reviewing is shite as well - so feel free to ignore me completely
----- Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm
Don't you dare lose an ounce!
But besides that, Ruth is right about S3, pull it out and rework it as its own poem.
S2, I think you might want to break into the two thoughts. The first stanza, "I eat..." the second "I sit..." the third "I watch..."
I find the idea of you watching a river roar in your ears sort of interesting as well.
However, I think the poem does weaken a bit towards the end. Not that it's bad there either, but the opening is quite strong, and I don't think the end measures up until the last stanza, which I find quite amusing. I wish I wrote those lines.
I think its all pap and i think i will delete it tomorrow and write a new one...