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Shakespeare's Monkeys

Infinite Monkeys. Infinite Typewriters.

Callooh's Odd Socks «   Words Words Words «  

wrapper

Stephen made me....

 

on the day the crocuses die
the bleeding hearts bloom and
you, depart with our money.
leaving behind

bread bags and a velvet sac
containing baby teeth.

with my last dollar
I purchase 2 pieces of chocolate
uncover them slowly, let
their richness soften my tongue

deliberately, I fold the empty wrappers, and place them in my pocket.

 

Anstey on May 21 2008 edit · delete

I'd remove the period after money and break a stanza there.

I'd change it to 'die', 'blood', 'flee' and 'leave' to keep all the tenses straight as well. I think the present tense all the way through would be awesome.

Also i'd suggest 'let' instead of 'letting' 


Callooh on May 22 2008 edit · delete

any better??

----- Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm



 
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