The personal space of Laurie « Poetry space of Laurie « Just a Little Naughty «
Unspoken
He awakens with the taste of her in his mouth.
Slowly he lifts his eyelids
glancing across the room,
Aphrodite caressed by silk curtains
aflutter in the late afternoon breeze.
Beauty written in sungold
across her beloved profile.
His groin stirs with a heavy pulse
Her long back lures his eyes downward
to pause upon the generous curve of her derriere
the hunger pounding heavier now
She turns,
her eyes smile the truth
He blinks.
She's gone.
Grief ripples across the room,
pushing hard against the window of his soul.
Comments
Laurie on June 11 2008 edit · delete Grief ripples across the room,
pushing hard against the window of his soul
or
Loss ripples across the room,
pushing hard against the window of his grief
?
Sinnaminsun on June 11 2008 edit · delete In my opinion for this type of poem I think "ass" doesn't fit, so I would revise that part. For the last stanza I would replace "grief" with "desire" or "longing".
Anstey on June 12 2008 edit · delete I think this seems more like prose to me. I agree about ass. I dont' really like the word 'langourously' in his particularly instance, there's almost a redundancy to me, as it applies to eyelids in this case.
Aphasic on June 14 2008 edit · delete I hear what the others are saying, but given the choice between 'ass' and 'derriere', I think I'd rather see the former. Can't you just say 'upon her generous curve(s)', with the destination implied by the previous line? I think everyone is aware of the nature of curves in that particular region - hips, ass, it's all in the mind of the reader.
I'd also suggest "Grief ripples across the room". It's previously been pointed out to me that 'ripples' implies the 'across' motion, making the word virtually redundant - and in this instance, the room itself rippling adds a flavour of disorientation triggered by the disappearing act.
Also, I'm not convinced that 'ripples' would be 'pushing hard against' anything, and in a final line, 'pushing hard against' sounds somewhat mundane and cumbersome.
'Lapping at' might be more natural, or perhaps the grief should be doing something more powerful than 'rippling'?
I'm probably becoming irritating now, so I'll say "Happy 23rd Laurie" and...she's gone!
