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Show me the Gold
Melancholy carillon cloaks
sober pallbearers as they stride in unison.
Dark gray against the pre-dawn darkness,
treading carefully on the dew-damp pavement.
Approaching the precipice,
sunlight cracks the horizon
as the casket is raised high
and flung
Far
Don't be scared
It plummets
out and away.
Pulling on a lei and grass skirt
I
kiss the echo of unexpected answers
Comments
Anstey on June 13 2008 edit · delete I really like this Laurie. It's quite exceptional, I think. (Of course i'm partial to casket flinging - isn't that a scottish sport?)
Aphasic on June 13 2008 edit · delete Hi Laurie
A question...
"Dark gray against the pre-dawn darkness,
treading carefully on the dew-damp pavement."
These two lines seem to operate as successive subordinate clauses, although they represent a complete punctuated 'unit' (from captial to stop/period) . A modification, 'they tread', would have given it a recognisable subject/predicate structure. Although the subject is implied, it reads as incomplete, or suspended which, if intended, is a deliciously subtle device for creating an atmosphere that complements the context. So, was it intentional Laurie? :>
Laurie on June 14 2008 edit · delete I wish I could take credit for being creative, but alas I did it accidently. Would you suggest I leave it as is or make a change?
Aphasic on June 14 2008 edit · delete If you're intent on being restrained by the rules of grammar, no. That wouldn't worry me - I'd leave it in, for the reason given above.
Having considered those lines again Laurie, I've noticed another device that enhances your rendering of the subject matter...
"Dark gray against the pre-dawn darkness,"
...where 'against' suggests something that stands out, provides contrast, yet 'dark gray' (against darkness) doesn't fulfil that expectation, and supports the idea of 'cloaking' in the preceeding lines.
Even if these elements were not employed consciously/explicitly, I think they demonstrate that you have a natural 'feeling' for the poetry you write.
A few things yet to be sorted though, I think. For instance...
"Approaching the precipice
Sunlight cracks the horizon"
I was reading this as 'The pallbearers are approaching the horizon [and then] sunlight cracks the horizon - but then it could be read as the sunlight approaching the precipice, then cracking the horizon. You may need some kind of punctuation, and/or change of capitalization if you want the relationship (if any) between the two lines to be clear.
Laurie - I suspect this may be wildly inaccurate speculation, but I have a lingering impression that you (the writer) are in the casket - perhaps it's related to the way I'm reading the "Don't be scared" line in conjunction with the "unexpected answers" and the title? :>
Laurie on June 16 2008 edit · delete I have revised a bit of the punctuation to make my meaning a little clearer. Hope it helps.
I suspect this may be wildly inaccurate speculation, but I have a lingering impression that you (the writer) are in the casket - perhaps it's related to the way I'm reading the "Don't be scared" line in conjunction with the "unexpected answers" and the title? :>
This was a very interesting interpretation... When writing this poem it was not me in the casket... but an idea, a belief that was being put to rest. Maybe in that way, an"old" me died so a "new" me could exist! Interesting stuff to ponder here!! Thanks for all the help A.
