Til' Death
When your sun has ceased to shine
I’ll be the darkness
that caresses your skin
When you fly, I’ll be the wings
that keep you afloat
When you die I’ll be the vase
that holds your ashes
I ask if you believe in love
you nonchalantly shrug
and walk away.
2- Aphasic 
on June 30 2008 - Edit · Delete
No Rene, I don't think it's'trite' - perhaps not exceptionally original, but then I can't write this kind of stuff at all, so please disregard my comments :>
Nevertheless, I'm not convinced you need that concluding line - for me, it detracts from the antithesis preceding it.
Also, I'd consider swapping the first and third sections - the 'ashes' scenario would seem to be a more 'natural' culmination of a progression in this Q & A series?
Finally, reams of empathy 
3- Rene' 
on Jul. 1 2008 - Edit · Delete
Thank you both so very much! I have incorporated both of your ideas into this small poem and I think I like it much better. I love the revision process, I live for it actually. Let me know what you think...and again, many thanks.
----- I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
4- Aphasic 
on Jul. 1 2008 - Edit · Delete
Yeh - it delivers more poignancy in concise form, I think - and you also have an interplay between contrasting allusions to ' death'.
5- Callooh on Jul. 1 2008 - Edit · Delete
nicely done...
1- Callooh
on June 30 2008 - Edit · Delete
I like this. what do you think about taking out the intro lines to each stanza? the "you ask...." lines. I think it could be stronger without them. just a thought....