MosquitoBytes « MosquitoBytes Volume 05: Interjaculate Love - 2005 «
Vacuum
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You walked right out the door
Comments
Sinnaminsun on Jul. 8 2008 edit · delete :) I like this one a lot, the only suggestion I have is that "she" should be used consistently throughout, insted using "you". Here's my revision:
She walked right out the door
Mosquitobyte on Jul. 8 2008 edit · delete Hi Sin, a fair call, if it were only one "she" in the piece. The She and You are two seperate women, hence the differentiation.
Mos.
Rnprl2003 on Jul. 8 2008 edit · delete Oh yeah, this one is good...very, very good Mos! To re-inforce the difference between she and you, you could use dashes in the first stanza after she...and they after you. It would kind of punctuate the thought process. I would suggest losing 'has' in the first line, it doesn't change the meaning but does emphasize the feeling.
I really, really enjoyed this one....
----- I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Mosquitobyte on Jul. 8 2008 edit · delete Thanks Rene, some good suggestions, though I only acted on one. You're right, it does read with more power by removing "has".
I kept the "she/you" as is for it (in my right minded/left handed way at least) manages to portray the confused thinking at the time of writing this piece.
Mos.
