The personal space of Colleen « poems «
her last mood ring
Her mood ringed the tallest finger
of her left hand that bitter October eve.
faded Grey, quickly turned Black.
Broken that night, was her thought
as she laid herself to sleep.
As warm light bent through the shades
the Son kissed her forehead and gave
change to the stone as it dangled
somewhere between nightmares
and the rising dawn. Proof
she was once more perfect and whole.
Comments
Anstey on Sep. 24 edit · delete
Hey Colleen,
I like lots of what you're doing here. Lots of images and colors. I do think there are some awkward bits that could use some tweaking. Particularly the last line. I feel like the wording is ok, but the point seems a bit twisted. I mean, is it proof she was whole... once, in the past, or is she whole now? And then of course the poet in me has to ask the question... is there anything other than perfectly whole? Isn't whole... whole?
The first line is really really good. The second, I am a bit uncomfortalbe with the 'that cold October eve' - not the idea of it, just that somewhat dated forced construction. I'd look carefully at the phrase 'or so she thought' - it's borderline cliche -- which isn't bad necessarily, but I'm not sure you want what a cliche brings. This image is otherwise very crisp and I'd rather see you accentuate that.
Kath on Sep. 25 edit · delete Dear Colleen - reading your poem, and feeling the dreaminess near the end- I wanted to change the word "proof" to
"poof" (!)
and in this way giving the feeling of a sudden
magical like realization!
I like a lot of this but not the word "Son"
I wish somehow you could give a sense of mystery in a different way-
or else just say "sun".
It is a matter of taste, for sure.
Yes, every time I read it- I wish it was "Poof-
she was once more pefectly whole,"
Thanks, I enjoyed thinking about your poem!
Colleen on Sep. 26 edit · delete Stephan and Kath.. thank you very much! greatly appreciated! I see what you mean about the awkwardness, I'll have to give it some more thought as to what I can do to make it work better.. I do think I will keep "proof".. I was torn about the "Son" vs "sun" too when I wrote it.. maybe its a bit too much!! I thank you both so much!
Kath on Sep. 26 edit · delete Hi Collen, I know, I would expect you not to change
to "poof"!
But at least it is nice that the way you used "proof"
made me think of "poof"
I think that the "poof" moment of is inherent and thus gives a
clarifying feeling. (At least for me in my
mood as it is!) Thanks for posting your poem!
