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Holding Silver
Squeezing wrinkled clouds. The raindrop patterned pavement speaks of quickened footsteps and autumn’s fleeting image. Remnants of the possible. Once great beauty withers, reflecting silver elegance on winter’s fated moonbeams.
Comments
Brent on Oct. 1 edit · delete Laurie,
The repetition of patterned and pattern in the first stanza is distracting. I also think, even though I do it myself, that writing about the moon and rain are both very difficult. So many writers do it that it's very difficult coming up with something fresh to say about either of those. Maybe if you use some of the images here as metaphors for some larger observation they can work. I like the image of raindrops on a sidewalk as a metaphor or simile for something else.
The fated moonbeams line just isn't working for me. It sounds interesting but the more I try to get behind the image, the more it falls apart.
Maybe you can take the central theme of the poem and try writing some sevenlings about it? That form lends itself to linked images and a final epiphany or turn. If you're not familiar with the term, you can google it and I think you'll find some rules on their form.
Brent
