The personal space of Colleen « poems «
I am from... an ordinary snapshot
I am from cracked pots
From clay, uncentered
from dirty hands
I am from straight pins and standing straight
From no room to wiggle
or you will get “pricked”
I am from tag sales not garage sales
from hand-me-downs (but not too many)
from paper routes and owning cities
I am from a
pleasing
perfect
perspective
I am from shots and cigarettes
from my Grandpa’s bar
from the 4th Ward
filled with democratic asses.
I am from the cock that crows 3 times
from lying and denying
From dust to ash
From Sisters and Fathers
in black reverent dresses.
I am from saved Pennys and spent Bills
From sleeping in the park and houses boarded up
On Ella Grasso Blvd.
I am from apple picking
with too many wooden baskets yet to fill
and happy bees searching still
for their unblemished tree
Comments
Brent on Oct. 2 edit · delete This mimics a Terrence Hayes poem, or was it Major Jackson? It veers wildly from interesting images (the straight pin) to the more ordinary: I am from gray uncertainty...
I wish more of the poem rose to the best movements of this and I'd champion it more forcefully. Right now it's the exercise the leads to the poem.
Brent
Colleen on Oct. 3 edit · delete thank you Brent. I would love to hear your thoughts about what doesn't work, and why it doesn't work so that I could see where I need to focus to improve my writing! thanks so much!
Brent on Oct. 3 edit · delete Colleen,
I think the 2nd, 5th, and 8th stanzas are abstractions. The more concrete elements you use to propell the remainder of the poem (cracked pots, straight pins, dirty hands, and black reverent dresses) are vivid and do a lot of work that the more abstract sections fail to do. Think about the message contained in the following passage: I am from gray uncertainty/from fantasy, really, lost/from reality. There's the old adage, show don't tell, and I think this type of movement feels like the narrator framing the poem for the reader. I think if you trust the imagery you use to describe your background we're sophisticated enough to get what the poem is about. Trust your writing and your vision as a poet. If the image resonates for you, there's probably something to it. When you start to tell us what we need to see it's like reading an instruction manual.
Brent
Colleen on Oct. 3 edit · delete thank you Brent. I see what you mean and will continue to play with this!
Anstey on Oct. 3 edit · delete Brent's advice is gold here. I might add a bit in the near future -- but wow, that's good place to start. Usually what i say is cut 20% and see where you stand. In this case, I think Brent's spot on. Cut the 'tell' and keep the show, and see where you stand once you've done that cutting.
