The personal space of Laurie « Poetry space of Laurie « Poetry Page «
Michael's Mighty Wings
expelling the molton poison
vicious pus of discontent
vibrations intersect deep within our lungs
Meaning to sever flaws
Meaning to venerate
Meaning to believe
God’s compost heap
Hid by dirt and hate
lifted
the virtuoso cries
A spear within the right hand
the green palm in the other
wings scratching on the slate of heaven
Comments
Tracey on Oct. 16 2008 edit · delete
The imagery and spiritual references are powerful, and the last line is killer.
Brava!
Leanne on Oct. 17 2008 edit · delete Laurie, for maximum power you could get rid of any references to first person completely -- I think the only one is "a spear for use in my right hand", I'm not actually sure why you need "for use" either, since that's not telling us much. In the first stanza, you could do with an adjective before pus, to break up the alliteration because p sounds can end up being a bit cheesy. Also, a two syllable adjective will give you a much nicer rhythm there (something like stinking, though stinking's not that awesome, just using it to illustrate how it would work). I do like all the v sounds eg in sever/ venerate/ believe, quite subtle and well done. Some kind of descriptor for pus with a v in it maybe? Mmmm, pus.
Got something good going on here...
