Still chuckling at the last line

The great thing about this poem is that the opening lines reminded me of my childhood and it followed a similar age/rock metaphor throughout -- I really like this one, Alan.

I like the way this catches the countdown effect, the almost tangible stasis of the two-minute silence...and the child's playful resistance...I was at work and inadvertently stumbled into everyone standing silent...just had to stop and join in ...Rgds.,Alan.

 I like the changes you made to this Laurie.. 

O blessed be

four legged, furry vacuums

clean the crumbs for free

 Vidalia, I appreciate your thoughts...  and hope you share more of them!  ... I understand what you are saying and will certainly consider your idea!  thanks so much!! 

I saw that - and not too much clean/un I don't think...but the implications of only being able to find the cross when you were spotless - not just clean - was what i was looking at

Just thoughts - i'm a noob here LOL

 thank you Vidalia  for taking a look at this poem..  I know I used clean/unclean/clean through out the poem.. too much repetition?  ... I will be sure to look at that again!  

I really like the metaphor and words that you have chosen, and agree that the revision is a better poem. What about the last clean...in going with the double meanings on the words - have you considered using spotless?

Thanks Vidalia, nope, I'm the one that missed something. It should be "know", all fixed.

Thanks for your comments and I'm glad you enjoyed.

Mos.

Welfare for the dogs...what a statement of our times.

I am not an experienced poet or good with critique, but i wanted to at least tell you that I enjoyed reading this.

like the smooth tone of this - almost like the bourbon pouring down the throat...with the little kick at the end...

They now the taste - did you mean know? or now and I'm missing something?

V

Some changes made, including title.

Glad to be of service, ma'am. 

 ok..you were right Leanne,  I don't think it needs that line..  thank you!

 Thank you so much Leanne ..  I appreciate your comments so much.  I took out "weak"  but I'm torn about the other line... should I just remove it or replace it.. do you feel the poem doesn't need that line to get the meaning?   I'm going to remove it and see what you think...  thanks again Leanne!! 

Oooh, good metaphor Colleen!  Very few things I would even consider changing here actually -- "in my weak attempt" is a bit on the "tell" side, I'd suggest removing "weak".  Similarly, I think the line "next to my hope, faith and peace" is heading toward too much information; will removing this line cause the reader to completely miss the point? The information in the line is threaded throughout the poem. 

Your choices of language are strong, with multiple meanings -- "left lying", "unclean" etc.  Overall, I'm quite seriously impressed with this.

I also don't like the word "temporary." I'm thinking it may not be necessary.

I'm wondering if you should lop the "ings" off of all the verbs to make them stronger.

Those are my late night thoughts...hope you find some meaning in them!

Not quite sure what you mean? Make the words more 'realistic'? Like an actual death or funeral?

I would try to move away from the ethereal into a more concrete metaphor.

The fact that it's just a moment frozen in memory is what appeals to me. I think this little poem is just gorgeous.  I'm quite serious about the "wishing I had written it" thing.

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines."

                                                                                  -Emerson

I don't often post poetry here - not because I don't regard this place as the ideal repository, nor can I blame it on writer's block/malaise/constipation/paralysis. I just don't write much, and that's simply down to personality disintegration...and this failure to write is my (excuse for a) reason for feeling disqualified to comment.
Apologies for the journalesque nature of this stream of drivel.
Ok - the bad news...I will try to login more frequently, if only to make a comment, participate in some way.
How turgid is that?
More apologies.
I would, without hesitation, recommend this site to anyone - aspiring writer, inquisitive reader, or just plain masochistic [assuming masochists can be designated as 'plain']
Oh yeh - I wish ShanV was here - I need a good slapping...
 

I'm not familiar with Mr Phelps, either professionally or personally.  Allowing for this lamentable deficit in my knowledge base, I would imagine that he (?), if reading this thread, would be smiling, perhaps thinking to himself "Ha! Gotcha".
My concern, if I were to take it seriously, would relate to a common failure to distinguish between rhyme and rhythm, as though (particularly in poetry) the two are inextricably linked, in the same way that the term 'blank verse' is often used as a synonym for 'free verse'.

Answer: who is Dan Phelps? [thus illustrating my irritating tendency to answer a question with another]

*tries to bow graciously but can't get teh evil grin off his face*

My first instinct is that the article is not even worthy of a response. That level of ignorance can never be reasoned with. I get into this argument over jazz all the time. People that closed minded will remain so. Sorry I'm not more help, must be in a cynical mood today. [I know, just today? ]

Andrew and Laurie, you responses are excellent!

The choice of poisons is enough to rile up even the least rilealbe of us. and let's face it, we're freakin poets -- we're ALL rileable.

Bill, I will try to edu-mah-cate the boy. It's a fair question you ask there.

By the way, I was actually at the Regie Gibson reading he's talking about -- and the poem he quoted from is absolutely astounding -- it is so good i got CHILLS. By the way, so did Laurie, Julie, my wife Ellen, Leo, and Colleen. It was seriously amazing. I can not understand how a human being could go to Regie's performance and miss the sheer genius of it.

I felt like I'd heard some perfect jazz music improvised and shared that could never be replicated. It was that kind of sublime. And he pulls these 2 lines out of context -- and suddenly, it's nothing? meaningless? It is offensive, but it's sadder than that. It's heartbreaking that a human being could miss something so incredible.

I would be happy as a visitor from outside Massachusetts to send my response to the newspaper... if you think it might be of assistance.

I came all the way from Chicago to attend the Massachusetts Poetry Festival. I was amazed at the thriving arts community in Lowell and attended all the featured events and several other activities during my stay.  I even had the honor of meeting your wonderful Mayor, who welcomed me and several of my friends to this educational and entertaining event. I was blown away by the true artistry of writers such as Regie Gibson, Rhina Espaillat, Martin Espada and Robert Pinsky. I was deeply touched by the beauty imparted by their words. If you were to listen...really listen... you could have the priviledge of hearing it too. I could go into the many reasons you should give free verse another chance, but after reading your words Mr. Phelps... I believe your mind is already made up   "It is the eye of ignorance that assigns a fixed and unchangeable color to every object; beware of this stumbling block."    - Paul Gauguin   Laurie Blum

Andrew -- that's a whole lot of true you spewin' my brother. Thank you for lifting me up. I hope I redeem some Americans for you sometimes.

This was my enraged reactin to such a childish view of art.

I have read many stupid things in my time, much of it poetry I admit. This however rates amongst the stupidest things I've ever read.

Whilst Dan is correct in stating that rhyme and iambic's can be difficult, some find them incredibly easy.

I for one find rhyme to be the reasonably easy, so I actually avoid it as much as possible.

I suppose he doesn't understand works with no punctuation either; or pieces that don't "lay it all out for the reader".

All I can say Dan, is that you certainly fit the Australian image of the "generic American" - ignorant of truth in art and sadly indicative of the general want for poetry which is simplistic and artificially clear.

Sad really, when I for one quite enjoy some American poets, many of which work in a combination of rhyme, "forms" or as I, in there own unique styles.

Imagine where we would be if we all accepted a "generic" life......still in cave's I'd imagine.

Mosquitobyte.

The putz is nutz?

Has he ever read anything that hasn't rhymed? If not, then someone certainly should educate him before he expects prose to rhyme.

Exactly. But the question is, how do I use the opportunity in my local paper to educate people predisposed to dislike him. (which is a big number)

Thanks, Z.

Just a bit riled up, I guess.

thanks very much - it's the first thing I've written in months (after so much reading I'd sort of lost my nerve about writing).

it's about everything you mention, and about nothing at all. I really tried to just write a picture without any judgements or extras.

Very nice, Ruth...pithy and loaded, concise and precise...it's a kernel of primary images that have lasting impact...it's v satisfying to see a piece say so much with so few words...Rgds.,Alan.

It's about both...and some other things, too.

Yes, this is subtle and compact.  It's nice to see this sort of control, a small moment amplified by all that's left unsaid. Is it a poem about love or stasis? Stasis gets my vote and so does the poem.

Brent

Jeez, this is a great little poem.  Makes me wish I'd written it.

Hi,

Yes, much improved. I finally found remiges in the dictionary.

Alcuin

Yes, in Celtic tradition one of the names for the Crone is Cailleach Beara.  She is "born" at Samhain, the day that the last of the harvest is gathered in and winter begins. She is almost always depicted with one eye and a blue face.

Is this better, I thought to maybe keep the avian theme throughout the piece (?) I really like the word remiges.

You never mention my panties anymore

or the color of my bra

The smooth cream of remiges

medium-purple scratching dawn.

Let me slip these diamonds off

and we can swan about the room.

take your pill, indulge, ascend with me,

it’s not against the law.

Glide silent past the feathers

tumbled faint by years of use.

Your burning scowl forgotten,

the blue ribbon at your feet

Thank you so much Fred! I am going to work on this piece and submit it with 'Chapstick' and 'Secret Code'

By the way... remiges are the hard central part of a feather.

 I suggest changing the "then" to "and" and then finding better words to substitute for the ones I've capitalized. Then make it one of the three you submit to a publisher.

The smooth cream of ? (I don’t have the foggiest what “remiges” are)

the blue ribbon at your feet

Alcuin

It sounds awkward in S4 to repeat "Martha", then "her". I understand why you're doing this - to distinguish between Granny and Martha, but it sounds just plain awkward. Why not make it "Grandpa's farm"? The the S4 "Martha" can become "her" which sounds more natural. Otherwise, it's a fine piece, certainly good enough to submit.

Alcuin

 I love what you have done with this concept.    Does your idea have any relation to the Celtic trinity knot?  this poem makes me think of the the celtic trinity knot.  in the pagan beliefs it symbolizes daughter, mother and crone... three in one.  

 Thanks so much Tracey! I love all of your suggestions. I'll edit it when I get around to it. I'm such a slacker.

Funny, isn't it, how some religions -- the same ones that marginalise or water down women -- assume that they were the first and only to come up with the three-in-one notion?

And they'd be the same ones who encourage trick-or-treat trivialisation of something much older.

Many thanks for comments ...

I definitely wanted to use the whole narrative of the discovery of cosmic radiation left over from the "big bang" as a metaphor...I'm not sure how Tommy and the pigeons got in here...but I suspect it's something to do with the act of listening, of being able to hear (really hear) that's bound up with the past too and all associations of the past (all myths, and ideas that you could attune to before the drudgery of day-to-day living sublimates that inner ear..)...I guess the "unknowable aftermath/ behind everything" can be several things...my metaphoric cosmic radiation is the unheard background of Love, God, Meaning, Childhood...but mostly the ideas of Love and God that get surprisingly rediscovered when we listen (stop and really allow ourselves to listen) and realize it was always there in the background despite our failure to register under the din of daily occupation....Rgds.,Alan.

Nice, subtle rhymes and loose rhythms give this a very accessible feel, which softens the technical nature of the subject (just as the reference to pillows does in the first stanza). 

It's interesting that the more credence we give to myths and bizarre theories (hello Professor Einstein), the more remarkable answers we find.  Without that amazing human capacity to imagine, the science would have nothing to prove.  (Although sometimes the imagination is rather ill-placed, like the people who committed suicide the day the Large Hadron Collider went online in case the universe ended and everyone died. Clearly not science people )

What a wonderful situation Penzias and Wilson found themselves in -- and yet, their discovery itself is not much more than (or even as much as) background noise to the billions of people going about their daily lives in complete ignorance.  Every minute of every day we encounter the echoes of great achievements and advances, and most of them are filtered out.  As poets (and obviously, in other -- real -- professions) we collect echoes and try to make them heard.  At the end of the day, maybe we're not much more than antennae.  I'm strangely ok with that.

It's all Laurie's fault, this was a 2-minute job while we were having a conversation about annoying people and obviously the militant vege heads my list.  (Disclaimer:  I do not hate all vegetarians.  I think they're wrong, but that's their prerogative.  I do hate all preachers.  The combination of the two is a really dreadful mutant.)

Joe R:   I can't wait to read it!  

Haven't posted my exercise writings yet. working on them offline first

_{Cheers to a perfectly grilled rare steak! Yummy!}

 the workshop was pretty good and I was so happy to share that with you and Jasmine. ..  I loved the pic you had to write on.   Where is your write for the pic?  PS.. thanks for the link to Grub Street Inc.  

Here is an example from the workshop.

http://www.abstractart.20m.com/The_Dream.html

Can't take credit for the art. I was given the pic as a challenge. Something to inspire me and use as support. Girl of Hept found the image and I did the layering.

Mos.

Nothing like belabouring the point for those who's ...er....belabour the point.....lol

Mos.

Did you do that art too? That's pretty cool.

Why a single dox when a pair will do?

I love veal. Not saying. Just saying. You know?

Alan, I really enjoyed this. I'll be back. But I wanted you to know -- first thing, appreciation. The first two stanzas especially just grabbed me.

Thanks.

This is quite interesting. The first stanza is almost a strong senryu - I like it especially.

Hey Chris,

I like what you're doing here, though I think it needs a bit work.

having put myself together now
all the parts in their right place
my mind's super glue is my imagination
lightning bolts for intuition
crashing waves for a shore

My first thought here, besides a general interest (which is such a refreshing thing) is that this stanza needs an action. "Having done 'x' i then did 'y'"  - the way i read this is more a list. The last two lines being much weaker than the third line of this stanza, which I think is absolute gold.

oh, that damned counterfeit marrow
her voice attaches itself to my bones
that sick woman could just shut her mouth
bacteriophage for the soul
she could write a book about it
if she wasn't busy splitting the atoms
in this potato sack above my neck

I feel like the bacteriophage line is stronger than the one that precedes it. I almost wonder if you want to just delete that line. L5 is someone cliche, and clearly from the many interesting and imaginative lines you have here, you can do much better than this. The last two lines are nice, though I do question their connection to the whole of the piece.

i once thought she was beautiful and violet
when i culled her from the other wildflowers
but- now all i see when i lay her down
is a prism on top of a weed
transmitted through my optic nerve
held together by snippets of her

Ok, now, this stanza as it is almost stands as a poem by itself. I don't think the stanza is the same voice or feel as the previous two. Previously, you metaphor wrangles up bodies, hers and yours -- but this last bit suddenly leaps to a whole different set of images. Personally, I found that a bit disconcerting. On the other hand, I think of the three stanzas, this last one is the strongest. I think, if it were mine, I'd consider pulling it out all together as a stand alone poem.

Great stuff Chris. I really enjoyed this work. It was a pleasure to see something so different.

She's always crowding the dooryard with those damn lilacs!

Brent

It's witty and warm and dark and terse.  How could I not love it?

Brent

The key to business writing is that it be convoluted enough to ensure everyone is confused -- so as not to finish tasks so quickly that it looks like there's not enough work to go around.

wouldn't it be three-armed men?

And I am guilty for doing that of which you speak!

So I guess the police had openings for three armed men eh? sounds like a posse being recruited 

In poetry I can live with it -- up to a point -- but the number of people who are grammatically incompetent is quite disturbing.  Grammatically convoluted is a completely different story; this makes me happy

If I see another story about police seeking "three armed men" or similar, I may just set someone on fire.

And I do think you have a point. But the sentences are grammatically correct. However, it does tend to drive people insane.

V

I definitely can feel your pain...

The line love is like a desert is a good one.  That deserves maybe it's own piece.

Just thoughts -

V

And you don't even want to know what the hole is from...

these are some awesome tests. i know tests. and these are good.

Clearly you don't know Sooty.  An incredibly emotive range of squeaks and clicks can impart the wisdom of the ages.

Does the mild retardation manifest from being put on backwards?

quite. Though, I have to say, sockpuppets aren't usually that good at conversation.

Very gentle feminine poem. I wish I wrote it. The ending especially.

I love the first line, and how you wrap it together at the end...there is a lot of truth in this.

I don't feel confident with critiquing yet but wanted to give my impression.

This runs across my tongue like a quick jazz rift...the words tumble like a good run. I enjoyed your work.

The funny thing is I have thought about the "spear" line alot and how I didn't quite like it. Your suggestion helped me decide to change it.

And immediately I knew what "V" word I wanted to use to describe pus!!

Thanks Leanne.

I had an orange cat when I was a kid.  My sister hanged it on the fence.  I don't like cats anymore.  Plus, one ate my bunny.

But I do like carrots.  And moccassins.  I have God's, because his feet get too hot.

Laurie, for maximum power you could get rid of any references to first person completely -- I think the only one is "a spear for use in my right hand", I'm not actually sure why you need "for use" either, since that's not telling us much.  In the first stanza, you could do with an adjective before pus, to break up the alliteration because p sounds can end up being a bit cheesy.  Also, a two syllable adjective will give you a much nicer rhythm there (something like stinking, though stinking's not that awesome, just using it to illustrate how it would work).  I do like all the v sounds eg in sever/ venerate/ believe, quite subtle and well done.  Some kind of descriptor for pus with a v in it maybe?  Mmmm, pus. 

Got something good going on here...

I suspect that the distinct pleasure I felt hearing you read this for the first time is the same as the distinct pleasure people are feeling as they read this for the first time. Definitely one of my favorites of your work.

And what praytell do you do, Shannon?

Deserving of the title "Regie" or word/instrument jazz. Sharp, smooth and very cool.

it's very flattering. Thank you.

This is the poem you read at the Monkey meeting on Sunday... and although I loved to hear you read it out loud, I love it even more reading it to myself.

I can meander through each stanza and see everything more vividly and stop at the images I like. The descriptions of the people, the china, the scents, the cat... are even more vibrant the slower I read...does that make sense?

Now that I have been there... I totally see this!  I drove from Manchester to Lowell down Mammoth Road...what a beautiful drive in October.

Go look in my Journal for a picture of the teeth without lips

http://www.shakespearesmonkeys.com/article-9813-1st-annual-massachusetts-poetry-festival

The imagery and spiritual references are powerful, and the last line is killer.

Brava!