James Zealy
Only In The Eyes of the Beholder

Can you see her uncertain smile
Applied with shy pain strokes
Round face epochal tiled
Olympus intellect evoked
Languished in brilliant eye quivers

Guilty for careless feelings I disregard
Riddles of life juxtaposed
After answers appear composed
Heralded when honesty aligns my scars
Ambivalent cancer of my heart
Maligns ID image Cathart

You never know how it feels to lose something or someone you really love until it's happened. For me going to the funeral home was no big deal, or at least more of the time it wasn't, but this time it was different. Most of the people I had ever seen there were people I didn't really know that good. This time the person who was there was my granddaddy.

            It was scary, I didn't want to believe that he had died, but I knew it was the truth. Even though I still don't want to believe it, I have to. I know he's in a much better place now, he is in no more pain, he can walk around, he can do almost whatever he want to do, and he is in a place where there is only peace.

            When I saw him for the first time in the casket he looked so peaceful and there was no more pain. The way he laid there looked as if he could smile at us at anytime. He looked younger too. For almost all of my life all I had seen of him was when he was sick. He had become really sick just before I was born. Now I know what he looked like when he wasn't sick.

            There are lots of things I will miss about him but I know life has to go on. Life is like a circle, it never ends. Once you die, you don't just disappear into thin air, you go to heaven. And you stay there forever with God. Some of the things I will miss about him are the times he used to wake me up in the morning and we would go watch the sun rise and then go get doughnuts.

            Other things I will miss are the times after church when I was real little, I would go home with my Grandmommy and granddaddy. Then I would take off my dress and just run around in my fluffy slip and carry my mom's old records around. I will also miss when he taught me and Josh how to shoot the paper of straws and hit people with them.

            Even though he is gone I still know he is here, with us, right now. Grandmommy had made a promise to him that she would get him back into this church and she had brought him back, just like she said.

            Life goes on, even with the bad things, life will go on, even though he isn't here where we can see him, we do know he is here. His body may look as if he's not here, but his spirit is in this room. I will always love him no matter what.

Love,

Kailey

For my Grandmommy every day started out the same, she'd wake up, walk to her kitchen window, look out, and say, "This is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." I for one know she lived every day the Lord gave her; she was never the type to give in to her pain. Of course there were days where she wasn't feeling her best and didn't do much but she would never stay in bed all day and let one day pass her by. My grandmother to me is a role model; I'm amazed by her strength, her courage, and her power. She always held strong to her beliefs, never did she back down from them, and never would you tell her she was wrong.

            One of my strongest memories of my Grandmommy is our bickering, and of course it was always over what now as I look back over time as dumb things. We bickered over my clothes, she was constantly saying "Kailey, pull it up, pull that shirt up!" or we bickered over opinions on different matters. I'd try to bite my tongue but it always would seem to slip here or there. Needless to say, she would always win, and could always find some way to forgive me. I remember the first time I cussed was with her and I was just a little kid. Mama had had a bad morning and was aggravated and accidentally let out the D word, but later on Mama, Grandmommy, and I went shopping, Mama was in a dressing room trying something on and Grandmommy and I were outside and I went to sit on a chair and I missed it and out came the D word. Grandmommy quickly asked where I learned such colorful language and my mama yelled out from the dressing room it was from her. Later we were standing in the checkout line and I started to rhyming, "Am, Bam, Jam, Lamb, Ham, Cram..." and that's when Grandmommy got me my guardian angel bear and every time you squeeze it's tummy it says, "I'm your Guardian Angel, I'm your Special Friend." Then there was Cordy, my all time favorite teddy bear that my Grandmommy and Granddaddy gave me when I was one for Christmas...sadly his right arm was amputated. That teddy bear went every where with me and slept in my arms every night.

            Other memories of her are Easter egg hunts in her front yard, which I usually won, even though I sometimes peaked as her and my mama hid the eggs. I also remember her square dancing outfits and shoes. I do believe I've tried on every single outfit she had, I'd spin and twirl around her house, and at the time my feet fit her square dancing shoes, so she let me have them, the whole closet full of old shoes. I also remember all the mischief Josh and I would get into with her old jewelry. I'd force Josh to sit still as I applied countless necklaces, bracelets, and clip on earrings. Next I'd add a little blush to his cheeks and sometimes all over his face and some bright red lipstick even though I might miss his lips...a lot, sometimes I would even try applying mascara but it never seemed to go on right. My last step was dressing him; I'd pull out my grandmommy's ruby red negligee, bribe him into to wearing it, tie the straps together in the back so it'd stay on, and find him a pair of high heels and he was good to go prancing down the hallway to the living room so I could show everyone my lovely little brother who I had created.

            The older I got she would tease me about boys. She'd always ask, "So have ya gotten a kiss?" or "Ya got yourself a feller?" and I'd sorta smile and blush and quickly change subjects. I became her Sunday driver escorting her around town for lunch and other places if need be. My favorite thing about driving with her was she'd let me speed, Mama would say slow down and Grandmommy would say go faster, so needless to say I went fast...much faster. My Grandmommy always stood up for her grandchildren, if someone got an award for something she'd always say, "Now that's just not fair, Belinda go do something about that!" She'd show up for almost every baseball, softball, basketball, and soccer games, and band concerts. Funny thing is she'd start talking about some of the other kids playing about how something was unfair, and we'd have to tell her to hush cause unlucky us, their parents were right beside her. She believed strongly in her grandchildren, she's let each and every one of us know that we were capable of doing whatever our heart desired. And that each one of us five grandchildren were special to her in our own unique way. Grandmommy I know you and Granddaddy will always be rooting for all of us in heaven and guiding us through life.